FOUR THINGS I WISH I WAS TOLD DURING PREMARITAL COUNSELLING

Don't get me wrong. Premarital counselling is critical in preparing a couple for marriage. There are, however, some things I found out about marriage that I wished I had known way before I dived in. Here they are:

1. Couples Do Not Gel Immediately

This verse from Genesis, quoted at many weddings, often gives couples the impression that once they are married, the process of becoming one happens quickly.

Geneses 2:24 "This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." (NLT)

It is very true that husband and wife become one, but it takes time and lots of work. Without God's help and guidance, building a lifetime bond is quite an uphill task. My advice to you who are starting out – take each day at a time. Be patient with each other as you learn more about one another. Give yourselves time to grow in your relationship.

2. Building a Home Takes Time and Teamwork

Think about this – you are two different people with different backgrounds, upbringing, and experiences. As it is, your styles for making the bed and pressing the toothpaste tube are worlds apart! It, therefore, follows that your ideas of building a home will be completely different. If you want your home to succeed, however, you must agree on the way forward, and give yourselves time to achieve your goals.

Amos 3:3 "Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?" (NLT)

To all couples – just because you're in love doesn't mean that you will agree on everything. Sometimes you will disagree, especially on important issues. In such situations, one person may have to back off for the sake of peace. Even if you feel like you are right and you know better, take a step back and pray about the issue. God always works things out.

3. Marriages Go Through Several Rough Patches

There will be days you do not want to see your spouse because of something he or she has done. There will be seasons when you are both too busy with work and the children to spend time together.  There will also be periods of illness and incapacitation in your immediate and extended family. Do you walk away when these seasons come along?

Personally, I knew that marriage life would not always be rosy, but some of the things we have gone through as a married couple were entirely unexpected and very difficult. Couples out there, I would advise that you work on your relationship so that it is strong enough to withstand the rough patches. Be there for your spouse when everyone else walks away. Stand together and support each other through the tough times.

4. Children Change Everything

Psalm 127:3 "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from hm." (NLT)

I can testify that kids are a gift from above, and without them, my life would be empty. Their arrival, however, changed my marriage completely.  Couples out there – don't imagine that your lives will remain the same after the kids come. These adorable little beings will take over your lives in ways you would never have imagined.

There is good news, though. As parents, God gives you the task of bringing up these kids in his ways and preparing them for the rough life out there. Working together with your spouse to achieve this goal will grow your relationship. Kids have a way of making us view life differently, and teaching us how to think beyond ourselves. Invest in them while they're still in your house, as you create time for yourselves in between the mad rush. Yes, children do change everything in a marriage, but for the better!

Couples, attend those premarital classes – they are crucial. Remember, though, that if something happens in your marriage that you weren't told about in class, God will help you to handle it. Rely on him for the success of your marriage. All the best!

Missed last week's reflection? Here it is -Am I confident I will leave a legacy

Intereted in another topic? Life Lessons from the Ant

AM I CONFIDENT I WILL LEAVE A LEGACY?

The quick answer to this question is yes because everyone leaves a legacy of some kind. The catch is – I do not want to leave this world with nothing positive for people to remember me by. Do you?

Friends, it is possible to begin to build your legacy now, even if you have several years left to live. I've listed the areas I am working on below, and I hope that they will be of help to you.

1. Focusing on God and heavenly things

Our society is completely focused on money and all its trappings. Though it is true that we can't survive without money, money should not rule our lives.  These verses from Luke 12 put this point forward clearly.

Luke 12:20 -21 "But God said to him, ‘You fool! You will die this very night. Then who will get everything you worked for?' Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God" (NLT)

The rich fool thought he had ‘made it' in life because of his wealth, but God reminded him that he should instead have invested in his relationship with God. I wonder –have I invested in my relationship with God? Food for thought.

Matthew 6:20-21 "Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." (NLT)

2. Obedience

I must admit – I have failed miserably in this area. Even the simplest of instructions and commandments are sometimes so hard to follow. Perhaps focusing on the benefits of obedience, as outlined in the following scripture, would help.

Deuteronomy 12:28 "Be careful to obey all my commands, so that all will go well with you and your children after you, because you will be doing what is good and pleasing to the LORD your God." 

(NLT)

My obedience to God will affect the future of those who come after me. That alone is motivation enough to obey him.

3. Doing everything for the Lord

Hang on- does this mean I NEVER get the credit? After all my hard work?

Colossians 3:23 "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the LORD rather than for people. Remember that the LORD will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ." (NLT)

Whenever I am tempted to take the credit for my work, or I feel that nobody appreciates my efforts, I turn to the verse above. It is so encouraging to know that the work we do on earth earns us an inheritance from God himself. This truth gives me added motivation to serve our master, Christ!

4. Finishing this life well

The other day I heard an account of a funeral where the eulogy was just a few sentences long. The person who was being buried had not done much with his life, and so those who had the task of writing his eulogy didn't have much to say.

I always ask myself, what will people say when my time to leave this world comes along? Will they be left thinking of what I should have done, rather than what I did? The verse below is what I hope people will say about my family, my friends, and me once we depart from this world

.

2 Timothy 4:7-8 "I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me – the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing." (NLT)

Friends, my challenge to you is – let's start building our legacies now and aim to finish this race called life honorably, all for God's honor and glory.

Did you miss our last reflection? Here it is - Lift your self-esteem out of the doldrums

Interested in a different topic? More marriage myths

LIFT YOUR SELF ESTEEM OUT OF THE DOLDRUMS

Let's be honest – at some point, each of us has faced low self-esteem. It's perfectly natural to have a season when you don't believe in yourself, but if that feeling persists, you need to deal with it. Low self-esteem is a major relationship killer, which is why I thought of addressing the issue in this post.

How do people fall into the trap of low self-esteem? Simple – because they have allowed a lie propagated by someone else to become real in their lives.  For example, if someone tells me that I am timid and will never be able to handle driving in Nairobi traffic and I believe it, I will never drive in Nairobi traffic on my own.

Coming up is a short list of Bible verses to help you build your self-esteem, and begin to believe in yourself again.

1. Psalm 139:13-14 "You made the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous –how well I know it." (NLT)

Are there people who put you down because of your appearance? Do you often wish you were more beautiful, slimmer, or more intelligent? Well- you shouldn't! God made you the way He intended to, and in his eyes, you are PERFECT. As soon as you begin to believe that you are created perfectly, those around you will believe the same thing!

2. 1 Samuel 16:7b "People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (NLT)

God created you, and therefore knows you better than anyone else. The gift that lies within you is of him, and he has given it to you to use for his glory. Why, then, do you let people around you make you feel like you have nothing to contribute to this world? God knows why he placed you on this earth, and it's up to you to ask him to show you where and how he wants you to use your gifts.

3. Jeremiah 29:11 ‘"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.' (NLT)

Many of us do not recognize how important this verse is. God has plans that are unique to you, different from those of anyone else in the world. The best part is, his plans are designed to give you a future and a hope and to bring good into your life. Don't believe the negative things that people around you are saying about your life. Believe what the Word of God says!

4. Luke 12:7 "And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." (NLT)

God promises to take care of you for all the days of your life because he loves you. Don't worry about what man can do to you, say about you, or think about you. God has your back!

For many years, I grappled with low self-esteem. My turning point came when I decided to believe what God says about me, his beloved child. If you are suffering from low self-esteem, it is time to listen to what God says about you, and believe it with all your heart. As I said above, once you begin to believe in yourself, everyone else will believe in you!

Missed our last reflection? Check it out here ladies-do-you-know-how-to-love? 

Interested in another topic? four-simple-lessons-from-psalm-37

LADIES – DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOVE?

A few days ago, the term 'wife material' got me thinking – how many women know what to expect before jumping into marriage? Do we truly grasp what it means to love?

Ladies – I know you have an idea of what love is. Let us, however, take a quick look at the biblical view of love in the context of relationships – real love beyond the lovey-dovey and romantic moments.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged." (NLT)

1. Love is patient

Patience is one of those qualities that's hard to cultivate in close relationships. There are many reasons for a woman to be impatient with her man - like the toilet seat always left up, dishes left in the sitting room,  and coming home late. Most of us are naturally impatient because we want everything to go our way. God's expectation, however, is that we show love by being patient with our significant others.

When a marriage begins, both partners have high expectations of each other. The husband and wife expect each other to do things in a certain way. When this does not happen in your relationship, do you walk away? Do you blame God for giving you the wrong person? No! You ask God to grant you the patience to see your partner mature into the person that God intended. Let your love for this man and your patience with him encourage him to grow.

2. Love is not jealous

Let's be honest here – how many of us are in competition with their men? When he comes home late, you hit back by doing the same thing the next day. When he goes out with his buddies, you sulk and don't talk to him for days. Isn't that a sign of jealousy?

Marriage is a partnership. You and your partner are now companions in the journey of life. As such, you share achievements, joys, and sorrows. You also give each other space to grow through interaction with other people. If you support your partner, he will support you. If you show jealousy towards him, he will find someone else to share his successes with.

3. Love does not demand its own way

Selfishness is the reason many marriages don't work out. We are all naturally selfish. It takes God's power to begin to think of someone else as more important than you. God's order of marriage demands that you treat your spouse better than yourself.

Placing someone else at a higher level than you can be a tall order. Think about it this way, though. If you give your man love, concern, and respect daily, he will begin to treat you in the same way. Isn't that what you desired in the first place?

4. Love keeps no record of wrongs

Women are experts at keeping records of all the wrongs done to them since time immemorial. Whenever your spouse hurts you, memories of all the bad things he has ever done (some that he doesn't even remember) come flooding back.

The truth is your spouse will hurt you, many times. You must learn to forgive, forget and let go every time. Ask God for his help to deal with the hurts and to help you forgive. Remember that unforgiveness hurts the person who keeps the bitterness and memories inside their hearts. Love your man therefore by forgiving him every time he does wrong.

There you go – a few characteristics of love in the context of the marriage relationship. Make them part of your everyday routine as you interact with your significant other. Happy loving!

Missed our last reflection? Here it is - singles-lets-talk-about-realities-of marriage

SINGLES - LET'S TALK ABOUT THE REALITIES OF MARRIAGE

The life of a single is so exciting and spontaneous. As one gets older, however, people begin to insist that the single person gets married, starts a family, secures a dream job, etc. As a result, singles have been bombarded with loads of untruths about marriage and relationships. Below is a quick look at a few of these myths.

1. You have to do a test drive!

What is a test drive in this case? Well, it is trying out your 'bedroom' skills to see if you are good at it, or if there is a need for improvement. Many singles believe that before they get married, they must have intimate relations with their intended spouse, just to see if things will work out in the bedroom. For the Christian, this should not be the case, as the body of the believer belongs to God.

1 Corinthians 6:19 "Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body" (NLT)

God purchased your freedom at a very high price. Why, then, should you choose to defile yourself by doing a test drive? If you are burning with desire, ask God to help you control those feelings as you focus on the higher goal of pleasing Him.

For those who may already have gone down this road, there is room for forgiveness. Ask God to help you start afresh.

One last point – a test drive does not guarantee that your marriage will work.

2. Marriage is the ultimate goal for the single

Sadly, this is far from the truth. There is so much more to life than marriage. The unrealistic expectations that many singles carry into marriage lead to early breakups and disintegration. For example, several people believe that everyone must get married, and that marriage is a sign of God's blessings in their lives.

Many older singles will tell you that they find peace in knowing that they are walking in the will of God.  As a believer in Christ, whether single or married, you should aim to please God in everything that you do. That way, you have peace and contentment regardless of your situation.

Singles, please do not feel like you are lesser citizens because of your status. Rather, take pride in yourself, and enjoy what God has called you to do.

3. Your partner will meet all your needs

Singles, did you know that many married people are lonely and unhappy in their marriages? For many, God sustains them and gives them the strength to remain faithful to their spouses.

No person on this earth can meet all your needs, and you cannot meet anybody's needs in entirety, no matter how hard you try.

God is the only person who can meet your needs because he created you and knows you better than anyone else.

Psalm 139:16 "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (NLT)

Use the time when you are single to grow in your faith and to let God make you into the person he desires you to be. That way, when that special person comes along, you will be ready to be God's instrument in your marriage.

4. You and your spouse will gel immediately

Picture two porcupines who decide to get married.  Every time they want to get close and cuddly, they poke each other. Why? Simple - because each porcupine is covered in sharp quills! These quills cannot come off because they are part of the porcupine.

In the same way, each person in a relationship has a background – upbringing, education, values, and experiences. You cannot expect to have everything in common. The process of becoming one takes time and involves lots of work. Many people find this process so difficult that they give up on their marriages in the early stages. 

Use your time as a single to learn about yourself, and how you relate to people. You can also talk to married friends and get to know how they overcame the challenge of becoming one.

Being single is neither a crime nor a death sentence. Celebrate your singlehood and live your life fully, pleasing God in everything you do. Be content in your situation, and enjoy the wealth that comes with it.

1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness actually is a source of great gain when accompanied by contentment [that contentment which comes from a sense of inner confidence based on the sufficiency of God]. (AMP)

Did you miss the last reflection? Here it is - 3-cunning-little-moles-that-ruin marriages

3 CUNNING LITTLE MOLES THAT RUIN MARRIAGES

A thriving marriage is one that is to be envied. Marriages, however, face challenges from within and without. Today's short reflection will focus on three moles that quickly find their way into marriages, but are very hard to recognize. Enjoy the read!

1. Soul Ties

Did you know that you are linked to everyone with whom you share physical intimacy, whether or not you marry the person? Sexual intimacy binds hearts together – that was God's initial intention. Look at the verses below:-

Genesis 2:24 "This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." (NLT)

Therefore, a man and woman who share in physical intimacy when married become one flesh. On the other hand;

1 Corinthians 6:16a "And don't you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her?" (NLT)

Though this point may sound shocking to most people, it is the truth. You are joined to anyone and everyone you have ever shared physical intimacy with.

Memories of your physical encounters can affect your marriage negatively, as there will always be the temptation to compare your current partner with a previous one. In addition, physical intimacy creates a spiritual connection between the two parties.

Break whatever soul ties you may have with old flames through prayer. Be honest with your spouse about your past, and commit to starting over and staying faithful in your current relationship. Most importantly, be aware the enemy uses soul ties to destroy stable marriages. Fight the battle on your knees!

2. Emotional Infidelity

Cheating on your spouse without sleeping around is possible!

How does emotional infidelity work? It all starts with a simple date with someone of the opposite sex, where you talk about general stuff. The date goes so well that you decide to meet again. After all, everything is innocent. Within no time, you are sharing intimate personal details about your marriage, your family, and your life. After a while, you become attached to each other and distant from your spouse, with your most important relationship outside your marriage!

To prevent the creation of emotional attachments outside your marriage, set boundaries for yourself, and your friends of the opposite sex. Cut down on the intimate chats and private dinners. If possible, have your spouse come along when meeting your friends. 

Double dates can also work well, as long as everybody gets along. Most importantly, spare the private chats for your spouse, that's what he or she is there for!

The verse below summarizes this point well.

Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]" (AMP)

3. Selfishness

"I got a spouse so that I could have someone to meet all my needs."

"I married someone who could take care of me."

"I want someone to keep me company on this journey of life."

Do the above statements sound familiar? If you ask most people to give their reasons for wanting to get married, the above reasons will make up part of the list. The question is how many people realize that marriage is not about having their needs met, but meeting the other person's needs?

Philippians 2:3 "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress other. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." (NLT)

There is absolutely no way your spouse can meet all your needs. If that is what you are expecting from your marriage, there will be lots of strife in your home. Do not wait to be served, but instead be a helper, encourager, supporter, and friend to your spouse.

James 3:16 "For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind." (NLT)

Jealousy between spouses these days is unfortunately very common these days. Couples should realize that they achieve more when they work together than when they are always trying to outdo each other. There is nothing as emotional as watching a husband cheering on his wife as she receives a prestigious award, or a wife clapping for her husband as he graduates with a master's degree! Be your spouse's cheerleader.

The three cunning little moles above can destroy any relationship in a very short time. Now that you know what they are, take care not to let them damage your marriage! Get rid of these cunning moles before they kill what means most to you!


Missed last week's reflection? Check it out here - More marriage myths!

Take a look at the first article in this series - why-isnt-my-marriage-working-way-i-want

MORE MARRIAGE MYTHS? NOT AGAIN!

Following last week's post on marriage myths, you must be thinking there cannot possibly be more myths out there. Don't worry; there are just a few more to look at.

1. Physical intimacy happens all the time

Most people who get married look forward to getting physically intimate all the time, any time they feel like it. Well, for the first few months things may happen as you want them to, but once you start settling into the relationship and becoming more ‘real,' there will be times that either you or your partner is not in the mood! In addition, other factors like sickness, separation due to travel, and complicated pregnancies make it hard to get physically intimate.

What do you do in such a situation? First, remember that intimacy has its seasons. During the dry seasons, you may need to find other ways to express your love to your partner. Remember, your role in marriage is to minister to your partner. Whatever your partner needs, you give. For physical intimacy to be satisfying, each party has to put their heart and soul into it.

2. You will always be in love

Reality check – you will not always be in love. There will be those moments when you do not want to see your spouse. You are however commanded to love your partner/spouse all the time. There are different types of love, and each type of love fits the season that your relationship is going through. Believe it or not, there are moments when couples even experience brotherly love. The key thing here is to accept the season that your marriage relationship is passing through, and ask God to help you love your partner more.

3. You will never want to quit.

Quitting a marriage passes through every person's mind at one point or another – that is the sad truth. What you do with those feelings, however, makes the difference. Why do you want to quit? Have you asked God to help you become a better spouse? Are you willing to forgive your spouse for any wrongs?

As much as many people say they want to quit their marriages, few do so. If you are in a place where you are considering calling it quits, explore all avenues before finally walking out, because once you leave, you can't go back to the way things were.

A friend of mine shared a little of her marriage experience with me, and I found that what she shared is relevant to today's discussion. Here is Maryanne's brief take on marriage.

"When John and I got married, I didn't know I had issues with rejection, from my relationship with my father and my ex-husband (she left him due to infidelity). Long before John and I wedded, John had started teaching me about the Word of God, and how to read it. After our wedding, we established a routine of praying and reading the word together daily, as we had agreed that our marriage would be founded on God's principles. As the challenges of marriage came along, the Word of God became my mirror and consultant. I turned to it regularly, on the good and bad days. John loved me, prayed for me and with me, and fed me spiritual food.

After I had our last child and went through post-partum depression, I was sure John would leave me. Instead, he would tell me that he loved me with all his heart and that he was not going anywhere. John regularly rebuked me for not believing in God and doubting his love for me. I needed to accept the love that God was showing me through my husband so that I could heal from all past hurts.

I am still God's work in progress, to be perfected in maybe 50 years' time, or when we go to heaven, but the Maryanne before John no longer exists. John's obedience to God's command to love me and nurture me has made me the woman that I am. Only a man submitted to God can love another the way my husband loves me. John is the priest of our home, and teaches both our children and me how to look into God's word for teaching and guidance."

Maryann and John's view of and approach to marriage are what many couples need to adopt today. God is the author of marriage, and he gives us the blueprint on how to succeed in the Bible. The following verse from Ephesians gives a fitting conclusion to this discussion.

Ephesians 5:22-25 "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." (NLT)

Missed last week's reflection? Check it out here Reality-check-a look-at-marriage-myths

Interested in another topic? Here you go - The-Christian-at-work