LOOKING FOR THE ‘RIGHT' ONE? 4 QUICK TIPS TO HELP YOU CHOOSE!

The biggest question on the minds of many young singles is – how do I know this is the right person for me to marry? How do I know that things will work out between us? If I don't marry this person, will I regret my decision forever?

Here are a few tips that I thought might help singles out there make the right decision.

1.       Pray about it

Choosing a marriage partner is a major decision, and as such, it is important to involve God. He created you with an excellent plan for your life, and for most of us, marriage is part of that plan. Pray before you start ‘hunting,' during the dating process, and when you finally zero in on a particular person.

The following verse from Psalms is a favorite of mine – I always turn to it when I need to make a crucial decision.

Psalm 37:5 "Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you." (NLT)

Dear single, there is nothing wrong with telling God that you want to get married, and the kind of person you would like for a life partner.  Let him know the desires of your heart, and guide you through the process.

2.       Listen to wise counsel

Now – listening to wise counsel is not easy when you are smitten. Nobody wants to hear anything negative about the person who has swept them off their feet. The truth is, however, you need to be objective about the person you are in a relationship with, and about the realities of your relationship. For example, if there is something in your partner's past that affects your present relationship, wouldn't you like to deal with it now?

Proverbs 19:20 "Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life." (NLT)

Get advice from your friends who have been married for a while. You can also identify someone who is older than you who is open and honest about the realities of relationships – an older married friend/ couple, a mature aunt/uncle, or even your pastor. Keep an open mind every time you ask for advice. As I said before, you may not like what you hear, but it will help you in the end.

Therefore – if you ask someone to ‘rate' the person you are dating, and to give advice as to whether the person is a keeper, don't trash the answer if it is negative. Seek to investigate the reasons behind the other person's views. If the response is positive, though, you are good to go!

3.       Keep your eyes and ears open

Okay – I do not mean you spy on the person you are dating. You do, however, need to be ready to spot inconsistencies in behavior and actions. If you are currently seeing someone that you hope to marry, there should be no secrets between you. This person should also be happy to introduce you to family and close friends and take you along when he or she is invited to a function.

Be on your guard if you notice many hushed phone calls, a reluctance to be seen with you in public, or an unexplained level of secrecy. Ask questions where you need to – the answers will guide you to whether this is the person to spend the rest of your life with.

Just a note, though. People who are madly in love rarely want to accept the truth about their significant others. Try your best to remain objective when making your observations.

4.       Take your time

There is no race to get married. Ignore the snide remarks from friends, relatives, and colleagues about your delay in making a decision on a life partner. If you make the wrong choice, it is you, not them who will be stuck with it the rest of your life.

Be patient, therefore, as you look for a spouse. Don't be in a hurry to specialize; instead get to meet different people at social and work-related functions. Maintain your integrity and don't compromise on your values, as people will be watching you as they try to catch your attention. When you finally start a serious relationship, let it run its course. Have fun, travel, fight, make up, etc. as you get to know one another better.

There is no certain way to know if the person you are relating with is the right one to marry. The few tips above will, however, give you an idea of what to look out for when you get to the point of choosing a partner. All the best!

Missed the last reflection? Here it is - keeping-your-marriage-grass-green

Another topic? can-i-really-do-this

MORE MARRIAGE MYTHS? NOT AGAIN!

Following last week's post on marriage myths, you must be thinking there cannot possibly be more myths out there. Don't worry; there are just a few more to look at.

1. Physical intimacy happens all the time

Most people who get married look forward to getting physically intimate all the time, any time they feel like it. Well, for the first few months things may happen as you want them to, but once you start settling into the relationship and becoming more ‘real,' there will be times that either you or your partner is not in the mood! In addition, other factors like sickness, separation due to travel, and complicated pregnancies make it hard to get physically intimate.

What do you do in such a situation? First, remember that intimacy has its seasons. During the dry seasons, you may need to find other ways to express your love to your partner. Remember, your role in marriage is to minister to your partner. Whatever your partner needs, you give. For physical intimacy to be satisfying, each party has to put their heart and soul into it.

2. You will always be in love

Reality check – you will not always be in love. There will be those moments when you do not want to see your spouse. You are however commanded to love your partner/spouse all the time. There are different types of love, and each type of love fits the season that your relationship is going through. Believe it or not, there are moments when couples even experience brotherly love. The key thing here is to accept the season that your marriage relationship is passing through, and ask God to help you love your partner more.

3. You will never want to quit.

Quitting a marriage passes through every person's mind at one point or another – that is the sad truth. What you do with those feelings, however, makes the difference. Why do you want to quit? Have you asked God to help you become a better spouse? Are you willing to forgive your spouse for any wrongs?

As much as many people say they want to quit their marriages, few do so. If you are in a place where you are considering calling it quits, explore all avenues before finally walking out, because once you leave, you can't go back to the way things were.

A friend of mine shared a little of her marriage experience with me, and I found that what she shared is relevant to today's discussion. Here is Maryanne's brief take on marriage.

"When John and I got married, I didn't know I had issues with rejection, from my relationship with my father and my ex-husband (she left him due to infidelity). Long before John and I wedded, John had started teaching me about the Word of God, and how to read it. After our wedding, we established a routine of praying and reading the word together daily, as we had agreed that our marriage would be founded on God's principles. As the challenges of marriage came along, the Word of God became my mirror and consultant. I turned to it regularly, on the good and bad days. John loved me, prayed for me and with me, and fed me spiritual food.

After I had our last child and went through post-partum depression, I was sure John would leave me. Instead, he would tell me that he loved me with all his heart and that he was not going anywhere. John regularly rebuked me for not believing in God and doubting his love for me. I needed to accept the love that God was showing me through my husband so that I could heal from all past hurts.

I am still God's work in progress, to be perfected in maybe 50 years' time, or when we go to heaven, but the Maryanne before John no longer exists. John's obedience to God's command to love me and nurture me has made me the woman that I am. Only a man submitted to God can love another the way my husband loves me. John is the priest of our home, and teaches both our children and me how to look into God's word for teaching and guidance."

Maryann and John's view of and approach to marriage are what many couples need to adopt today. God is the author of marriage, and he gives us the blueprint on how to succeed in the Bible. The following verse from Ephesians gives a fitting conclusion to this discussion.

Ephesians 5:22-25 "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." (NLT)

Missed last week's reflection? Check it out here Reality-check-a look-at-marriage-myths

Interested in another topic? Here you go - The-Christian-at-work