LOOKING FOR THE ‘RIGHT' ONE? 4 QUICK TIPS TO HELP YOU CHOOSE!

The biggest question on the minds of many young singles is – how do I know this is the right person for me to marry? How do I know that things will work out between us? If I don't marry this person, will I regret my decision forever?

Here are a few tips that I thought might help singles out there make the right decision.

1.       Pray about it

Choosing a marriage partner is a major decision, and as such, it is important to involve God. He created you with an excellent plan for your life, and for most of us, marriage is part of that plan. Pray before you start ‘hunting,' during the dating process, and when you finally zero in on a particular person.

The following verse from Psalms is a favorite of mine – I always turn to it when I need to make a crucial decision.

Psalm 37:5 "Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you." (NLT)

Dear single, there is nothing wrong with telling God that you want to get married, and the kind of person you would like for a life partner.  Let him know the desires of your heart, and guide you through the process.

2.       Listen to wise counsel

Now – listening to wise counsel is not easy when you are smitten. Nobody wants to hear anything negative about the person who has swept them off their feet. The truth is, however, you need to be objective about the person you are in a relationship with, and about the realities of your relationship. For example, if there is something in your partner's past that affects your present relationship, wouldn't you like to deal with it now?

Proverbs 19:20 "Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life." (NLT)

Get advice from your friends who have been married for a while. You can also identify someone who is older than you who is open and honest about the realities of relationships – an older married friend/ couple, a mature aunt/uncle, or even your pastor. Keep an open mind every time you ask for advice. As I said before, you may not like what you hear, but it will help you in the end.

Therefore – if you ask someone to ‘rate' the person you are dating, and to give advice as to whether the person is a keeper, don't trash the answer if it is negative. Seek to investigate the reasons behind the other person's views. If the response is positive, though, you are good to go!

3.       Keep your eyes and ears open

Okay – I do not mean you spy on the person you are dating. You do, however, need to be ready to spot inconsistencies in behavior and actions. If you are currently seeing someone that you hope to marry, there should be no secrets between you. This person should also be happy to introduce you to family and close friends and take you along when he or she is invited to a function.

Be on your guard if you notice many hushed phone calls, a reluctance to be seen with you in public, or an unexplained level of secrecy. Ask questions where you need to – the answers will guide you to whether this is the person to spend the rest of your life with.

Just a note, though. People who are madly in love rarely want to accept the truth about their significant others. Try your best to remain objective when making your observations.

4.       Take your time

There is no race to get married. Ignore the snide remarks from friends, relatives, and colleagues about your delay in making a decision on a life partner. If you make the wrong choice, it is you, not them who will be stuck with it the rest of your life.

Be patient, therefore, as you look for a spouse. Don't be in a hurry to specialize; instead get to meet different people at social and work-related functions. Maintain your integrity and don't compromise on your values, as people will be watching you as they try to catch your attention. When you finally start a serious relationship, let it run its course. Have fun, travel, fight, make up, etc. as you get to know one another better.

There is no certain way to know if the person you are relating with is the right one to marry. The few tips above will, however, give you an idea of what to look out for when you get to the point of choosing a partner. All the best!

Missed the last reflection? Here it is - keeping-your-marriage-grass-green

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KEEPING YOUR MARRIAGE ‘GRASS' GREEN – FOUR GREAT TIPS

Have you ever looked at another married couple and said to yourself, "Why can't my marriage be as perfect at theirs?" The adage that goes, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" can most certainly be applied to marriages. Sincerely speaking, there are many times I have been guilty of looking at and admiring other marriages other than my own. The question is, how do I stop peering over the fence?  Is there a way to make the grass in my marriage grow and flourish to the point where others are learning from it?

Coming up are my thoughts on how to build your marriage ‘grass.'

1. Plant the best grass on your lawn

Gardening gurus will tell you that to get the best lawn, you must select the correct variety of grass for your region. Other factors to consider are the soil, availability of water and the climate. You also need to plant the grass correctly so that it grows in the right pattern.

In the same way, get the best grass for your marriage lawn. Choose the right partner to walk with you on your journey, a person with whom you will make a great team. Don't just marry anybody because you are getting older, or you are under pressure from your family. Remember, you have to live with this person for the rest of your life. If you are not in agreement from the beginning, your marriage grass will not grow!

Ecclesiastes 4:9 "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed." (NLT)

2. Nurture your grass

Once you plant the grass, you have to take care of it. A little fertilizer and spray here and there, as well as lots of water,  will give you the desired result – the perfect lawn that is the envy of your neighbors.

The marriage grass also needs lots of care. Don't assume that once you ‘hook' a life partner, you can relax and leave everything to work itself out. On the contrary, as soon as you are pronounced husband and wife, the real work begins. The regular dates you had while getting to know each other now become a necessity as you seek to build your intimacy.

God's intention is for the married couple to become one. If you truly want to be the married couple that God intends you to be, put in the work. Nurture that grass!

Ephesians 5:31 "As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.'" (NLT)

3. Weed your grass

After the grass has grown and looks nice and green, many people forget that it needs weeding. Weeds aggressively destroy a lawn by taking up space and nutrients that are meant for the grass. The result? A horrible- looking lawn!

There are many things inside and outside your marriage that can destroy it within a short time. One partner may have issues with selfishness, envy, and unrealistic expectations. The other partner may have a challenge with boundaries in relationships outside the marriage. You must be on the lookout for the little bugs that can chew into your marriage. Once you identify them, get rid of them before they do any damage!

Song of Songs 2:15 "Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!" (NLT)

The little foxes will always turn up when you least expect them. Be on your guard.

4. Love your grass

Caring for a lawn is a full-time job. It needs to be trimmed, replanted, sprayed and watered often. Tending to a lawn is hard work, but the result is well worth the investment.

Do you consider your marriage to be an investment? How valuable is it to you? Are you prepared to put in the time and effort to learn your partner and build your relationship? The marriage relationship needs constant nurturing so that it can grow. If it remains dormant, both partners will feel suffocated, and it will die.

The writer of Hebrews puts his view of marriage forth in this verse:

Hebrews 13:4a "Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage." (NLT)

Let us commit to honoring our marriages by remaining faithful to one another, as God requires of us.

Are you now more equipped to tend your marriage ‘grass'? Great! Keep it looking fresh, inviting and green, and soon people out there will be wishing they had a marriage like yours!

Missed our last reflection? Here it is!marriage-is-truly-act-of-faith.html

Another topic, perhaps? 3-cunning-little-moles-that-ruin marriages

MORE MARRIAGE MYTHS? NOT AGAIN!

Following last week's post on marriage myths, you must be thinking there cannot possibly be more myths out there. Don't worry; there are just a few more to look at.

1. Physical intimacy happens all the time

Most people who get married look forward to getting physically intimate all the time, any time they feel like it. Well, for the first few months things may happen as you want them to, but once you start settling into the relationship and becoming more ‘real,' there will be times that either you or your partner is not in the mood! In addition, other factors like sickness, separation due to travel, and complicated pregnancies make it hard to get physically intimate.

What do you do in such a situation? First, remember that intimacy has its seasons. During the dry seasons, you may need to find other ways to express your love to your partner. Remember, your role in marriage is to minister to your partner. Whatever your partner needs, you give. For physical intimacy to be satisfying, each party has to put their heart and soul into it.

2. You will always be in love

Reality check – you will not always be in love. There will be those moments when you do not want to see your spouse. You are however commanded to love your partner/spouse all the time. There are different types of love, and each type of love fits the season that your relationship is going through. Believe it or not, there are moments when couples even experience brotherly love. The key thing here is to accept the season that your marriage relationship is passing through, and ask God to help you love your partner more.

3. You will never want to quit.

Quitting a marriage passes through every person's mind at one point or another – that is the sad truth. What you do with those feelings, however, makes the difference. Why do you want to quit? Have you asked God to help you become a better spouse? Are you willing to forgive your spouse for any wrongs?

As much as many people say they want to quit their marriages, few do so. If you are in a place where you are considering calling it quits, explore all avenues before finally walking out, because once you leave, you can't go back to the way things were.

A friend of mine shared a little of her marriage experience with me, and I found that what she shared is relevant to today's discussion. Here is Maryanne's brief take on marriage.

"When John and I got married, I didn't know I had issues with rejection, from my relationship with my father and my ex-husband (she left him due to infidelity). Long before John and I wedded, John had started teaching me about the Word of God, and how to read it. After our wedding, we established a routine of praying and reading the word together daily, as we had agreed that our marriage would be founded on God's principles. As the challenges of marriage came along, the Word of God became my mirror and consultant. I turned to it regularly, on the good and bad days. John loved me, prayed for me and with me, and fed me spiritual food.

After I had our last child and went through post-partum depression, I was sure John would leave me. Instead, he would tell me that he loved me with all his heart and that he was not going anywhere. John regularly rebuked me for not believing in God and doubting his love for me. I needed to accept the love that God was showing me through my husband so that I could heal from all past hurts.

I am still God's work in progress, to be perfected in maybe 50 years' time, or when we go to heaven, but the Maryanne before John no longer exists. John's obedience to God's command to love me and nurture me has made me the woman that I am. Only a man submitted to God can love another the way my husband loves me. John is the priest of our home, and teaches both our children and me how to look into God's word for teaching and guidance."

Maryann and John's view of and approach to marriage are what many couples need to adopt today. God is the author of marriage, and he gives us the blueprint on how to succeed in the Bible. The following verse from Ephesians gives a fitting conclusion to this discussion.

Ephesians 5:22-25 "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." (NLT)

Missed last week's reflection? Check it out here Reality-check-a look-at-marriage-myths

Interested in another topic? Here you go - The-Christian-at-work

REALITY CHECK – A LOOK AT MARRIAGE MYTHS

Marriage is a beautiful thing that God created for men and women to enjoy. There is lots of ignorance surrounding our understanding of marriage, hence my decision to do a few posts on the topic.

I recently had a chat with a good friend who has been married a bit longer than I have, and she gave me this list of marriage myths. Before we jump into them, though, let's look at one foundational verse on marriage from the Bible.

Ephesians 5:31 "As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.'" (NLT)

The two are united into one – what a mystery!

Myth no.1 – The Honeymoon lasts forever

That lovey-dovey feeling that you have on the wedding day and shortly after does last, yes, but only for a while. Once you discover your spouse's real self, the conflicts begin. Remember, you come from different families, backgrounds and have varying levels of education. It will, therefore, take time for you to bond and become one.

So what will keep you together when the love isn't flowing as it used to?

Ephesians 5:25 "For husbands, this means you love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave his life for her…" (NLT)

Men, keep loving your wives just as Christ has commanded you to.

Colossians 3:18 "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting to those who belong to the Lord." (NLT)

Ladies, please don't try to control your spouse. Submit to him out of love. Just a little tip – your husband is more likely to give in to your desires when you let him take charge.

Myth No. 2 – You can change your spouse

The only person who can change your mate is the creator, God. There are things you will discover about each other only after you are married and living together. Don't try and fix someone who doesn't see the need to be fixed. Talk to God, and let him do the fixing. Note that in the process of changing your spouse, God will change you as well!

Myth No. 3 – The woman's life ends once she gets married

Truthfully speaking, the woman gives up a lot to make a marriage work. She's the one who has the babies, makes career changes so that she has time with the children, organizes the home, and does so much more. Now here's the thing – the woman's life does not have to stop.  A supportive husband should encourage his wife to follow her dreams, build her career and spend time with her close friends. Women should not lose themselves in marriage; rather the marriage should inspire them to grow.

Myth No. 4 – "Me Time" is no longer necessary

This myth is an interesting one. Before you got married, you took time alone to pray, recharge and reflect. Why, then, do you feel like you don't need ‘me time' when you are married. Do you imagine that every waking moment should be spent with your spouse?

Give each other some space! Understand each other's desire for personal time and space occasionally. Giving your spouse the opportunity to spend time alone works to the advantage of the relationship.

Myth No. 5 – Marriages never change

People change as they age. It, therefore, follows that marriage relationships should also change with time. Priorities change when the children come, as spouses change jobs, and when issues with the extended family come up. Don't keep looking back to how your marriage was at the beginning, instead embrace the changes in your relationship positively. Your marriage will go through various stages of growth, as well as different seasons. Take each season as an opportunity for your relationship to grow.

Myth No. 6 – It's very easy to call it quits

Is it that easy to walk out of a relationship that you have invested in? Ask any individual who is going through a separation or divorce, and he or she will tell you it's a painful process. Rather than call it quits, fight for your marriage. Seek God's wisdom on how to make you a better husband or wife. Keep the communication lines open. Most importantly, don't keep a scorecard of your spouse's wrongs. Let peace, love, and forgiveness rule your marriage. When all else fails, go for counseling. It's easier to stay and fight than to walk away and regret not having tried all you could to preserve your union.

Myth No. 7 – There is equality in marriage.

I have bad news for you – there is no equality in marriage. Someone has to lead, and that someone is the man. This hierarchy is according to God's plan, as marriage is a mirror of Christ's relationship with the church. Should women feel inferior in a marriage? No, they shouldn't! Although the man is the head of the home, he must honor his wife. She is his partner in life's journey, and without her, the home cannot hold together. Husbands must respect their wives. If they don't, God will not answer their prayers.

1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."  (NIV)

Let's conclude this list of marriage myths with a verse that holds true for many successful marriages.

Proverbs 18:22 "The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD." (NLT)

If you're not married, now you are armed with the right information about marriage. If you are already married, kick out the myths that are in the process of destroying your relationship.

All the best in the week ahead!

Missed last week's reflection? Here it is - Why isn't my marriage working?

Are you interested in a different topic? Check this out - Are we condemned to bad leadership?

WHY ISN'T MY MARRIAGE WORKING THE WAY I WANT IT TO?

Marriage is one thing that baffles many people. The complexities of how two completely different individuals come together to form a family unit is a mystery even for those already married. Sadly, many marriages are collapsing, and several people want out.

If your marriage is going through a bumpy patch, it may be a good idea to look at the foundations you both laid at the beginning.

What constitutes a good foundation for marriage? Look at the ideas below.

1. Put God at the center, and keep him there.

Marriage is God's idea. He noted that Adam needed a helper, and went ahead to make one for him.

Geneses 2:22 "Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man." (NLT)

When Adam saw the woman, he was overjoyed! God loved him enough to make the perfect companion for him. Adam had no idea that he needed the woman until he saw her. Marriage was entirely God's idea then and remains so to this day.

Keep God at the center of your marriage. Remember that he is the one who brought you together and the only one who can keep you together. Pray together as you seek God's guidance for every decision. When you're mad at each other, ask God for help as you reconcile. Most importantly, ask God to help you love your spouse even when he or she is at their worst.

Do you feel like this is a tall order? God will give you the grace and strength you need to make your marriage work, as long as you keep him at the center.

2. Shared Values

At some point, the lovey-dovey feeling wears off. There will be seasons when you ask yourself if there is more to marriage then than love. During courtship, it is important to identify shared values that will sustain your relationship during hard times. Some of these values include faith in God, integrity, and honesty.

Amos 3:3 "Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?" (NLT)

If both of you do not agree on something as important as values, it is unlikely your union will survive. Shared values are what hold relationships together.

3. Common Goals

Marriage is a journey, an exciting journey where two people are walking together in the same direction. It's important for both spouses to agree on what they want to achieve as a couple. Examples would be starting a family, making investments, and helping the extended family. Focusing on the achievement of these shared goals will keep you together for a long time.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed."(NLT)

Key words here– they can help each other succeed. Your spouse should be your biggest cheerleader. Stories are told of husbands who have educated their wives, and wives who have motivated their husbands to excel in the workplace. Identify your common goals, and work hard to achieve them.

The success of every marriage depends entirely on God. Are you prepared to invest in your marriage to make it succeed, and to let God make you into the wife or husband that he desires you to be? Can you honestly say God is in charge of your marriage?

Have a blissful week, as you focus on improving your marriage. All the best!

Did you miss last week's reflection? Here you go -Are we condemned to bad leadership?

Interested in a different topic? Look at this one - Setting a good example