SINGLES - LET'S TALK ABOUT THE REALITIES OF MARRIAGE

The life of a single is so exciting and spontaneous. As one gets older, however, people begin to insist that the single person gets married, starts a family, secures a dream job, etc. As a result, singles have been bombarded with loads of untruths about marriage and relationships. Below is a quick look at a few of these myths.

1. You have to do a test drive!

What is a test drive in this case? Well, it is trying out your 'bedroom' skills to see if you are good at it, or if there is a need for improvement. Many singles believe that before they get married, they must have intimate relations with their intended spouse, just to see if things will work out in the bedroom. For the Christian, this should not be the case, as the body of the believer belongs to God.

1 Corinthians 6:19 "Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body" (NLT)

God purchased your freedom at a very high price. Why, then, should you choose to defile yourself by doing a test drive? If you are burning with desire, ask God to help you control those feelings as you focus on the higher goal of pleasing Him.

For those who may already have gone down this road, there is room for forgiveness. Ask God to help you start afresh.

One last point – a test drive does not guarantee that your marriage will work.

2. Marriage is the ultimate goal for the single

Sadly, this is far from the truth. There is so much more to life than marriage. The unrealistic expectations that many singles carry into marriage lead to early breakups and disintegration. For example, several people believe that everyone must get married, and that marriage is a sign of God's blessings in their lives.

Many older singles will tell you that they find peace in knowing that they are walking in the will of God.  As a believer in Christ, whether single or married, you should aim to please God in everything that you do. That way, you have peace and contentment regardless of your situation.

Singles, please do not feel like you are lesser citizens because of your status. Rather, take pride in yourself, and enjoy what God has called you to do.

3. Your partner will meet all your needs

Singles, did you know that many married people are lonely and unhappy in their marriages? For many, God sustains them and gives them the strength to remain faithful to their spouses.

No person on this earth can meet all your needs, and you cannot meet anybody's needs in entirety, no matter how hard you try.

God is the only person who can meet your needs because he created you and knows you better than anyone else.

Psalm 139:16 "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (NLT)

Use the time when you are single to grow in your faith and to let God make you into the person he desires you to be. That way, when that special person comes along, you will be ready to be God's instrument in your marriage.

4. You and your spouse will gel immediately

Picture two porcupines who decide to get married.  Every time they want to get close and cuddly, they poke each other. Why? Simple - because each porcupine is covered in sharp quills! These quills cannot come off because they are part of the porcupine.

In the same way, each person in a relationship has a background – upbringing, education, values, and experiences. You cannot expect to have everything in common. The process of becoming one takes time and involves lots of work. Many people find this process so difficult that they give up on their marriages in the early stages. 

Use your time as a single to learn about yourself, and how you relate to people. You can also talk to married friends and get to know how they overcame the challenge of becoming one.

Being single is neither a crime nor a death sentence. Celebrate your singlehood and live your life fully, pleasing God in everything you do. Be content in your situation, and enjoy the wealth that comes with it.

1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness actually is a source of great gain when accompanied by contentment [that contentment which comes from a sense of inner confidence based on the sufficiency of God]. (AMP)

Did you miss the last reflection? Here it is - 3-cunning-little-moles-that-ruin marriages

3 CUNNING LITTLE MOLES THAT RUIN MARRIAGES

A thriving marriage is one that is to be envied. Marriages, however, face challenges from within and without. Today's short reflection will focus on three moles that quickly find their way into marriages, but are very hard to recognize. Enjoy the read!

1. Soul Ties

Did you know that you are linked to everyone with whom you share physical intimacy, whether or not you marry the person? Sexual intimacy binds hearts together – that was God's initial intention. Look at the verses below:-

Genesis 2:24 "This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." (NLT)

Therefore, a man and woman who share in physical intimacy when married become one flesh. On the other hand;

1 Corinthians 6:16a "And don't you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her?" (NLT)

Though this point may sound shocking to most people, it is the truth. You are joined to anyone and everyone you have ever shared physical intimacy with.

Memories of your physical encounters can affect your marriage negatively, as there will always be the temptation to compare your current partner with a previous one. In addition, physical intimacy creates a spiritual connection between the two parties.

Break whatever soul ties you may have with old flames through prayer. Be honest with your spouse about your past, and commit to starting over and staying faithful in your current relationship. Most importantly, be aware the enemy uses soul ties to destroy stable marriages. Fight the battle on your knees!

2. Emotional Infidelity

Cheating on your spouse without sleeping around is possible!

How does emotional infidelity work? It all starts with a simple date with someone of the opposite sex, where you talk about general stuff. The date goes so well that you decide to meet again. After all, everything is innocent. Within no time, you are sharing intimate personal details about your marriage, your family, and your life. After a while, you become attached to each other and distant from your spouse, with your most important relationship outside your marriage!

To prevent the creation of emotional attachments outside your marriage, set boundaries for yourself, and your friends of the opposite sex. Cut down on the intimate chats and private dinners. If possible, have your spouse come along when meeting your friends. 

Double dates can also work well, as long as everybody gets along. Most importantly, spare the private chats for your spouse, that's what he or she is there for!

The verse below summarizes this point well.

Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]" (AMP)

3. Selfishness

"I got a spouse so that I could have someone to meet all my needs."

"I married someone who could take care of me."

"I want someone to keep me company on this journey of life."

Do the above statements sound familiar? If you ask most people to give their reasons for wanting to get married, the above reasons will make up part of the list. The question is how many people realize that marriage is not about having their needs met, but meeting the other person's needs?

Philippians 2:3 "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress other. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." (NLT)

There is absolutely no way your spouse can meet all your needs. If that is what you are expecting from your marriage, there will be lots of strife in your home. Do not wait to be served, but instead be a helper, encourager, supporter, and friend to your spouse.

James 3:16 "For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind." (NLT)

Jealousy between spouses these days is unfortunately very common these days. Couples should realize that they achieve more when they work together than when they are always trying to outdo each other. There is nothing as emotional as watching a husband cheering on his wife as she receives a prestigious award, or a wife clapping for her husband as he graduates with a master's degree! Be your spouse's cheerleader.

The three cunning little moles above can destroy any relationship in a very short time. Now that you know what they are, take care not to let them damage your marriage! Get rid of these cunning moles before they kill what means most to you!


Missed last week's reflection? Check it out here - More marriage myths!

Take a look at the first article in this series - why-isnt-my-marriage-working-way-i-want

MORE MARRIAGE MYTHS? NOT AGAIN!

Following last week's post on marriage myths, you must be thinking there cannot possibly be more myths out there. Don't worry; there are just a few more to look at.

1. Physical intimacy happens all the time

Most people who get married look forward to getting physically intimate all the time, any time they feel like it. Well, for the first few months things may happen as you want them to, but once you start settling into the relationship and becoming more ‘real,' there will be times that either you or your partner is not in the mood! In addition, other factors like sickness, separation due to travel, and complicated pregnancies make it hard to get physically intimate.

What do you do in such a situation? First, remember that intimacy has its seasons. During the dry seasons, you may need to find other ways to express your love to your partner. Remember, your role in marriage is to minister to your partner. Whatever your partner needs, you give. For physical intimacy to be satisfying, each party has to put their heart and soul into it.

2. You will always be in love

Reality check – you will not always be in love. There will be those moments when you do not want to see your spouse. You are however commanded to love your partner/spouse all the time. There are different types of love, and each type of love fits the season that your relationship is going through. Believe it or not, there are moments when couples even experience brotherly love. The key thing here is to accept the season that your marriage relationship is passing through, and ask God to help you love your partner more.

3. You will never want to quit.

Quitting a marriage passes through every person's mind at one point or another – that is the sad truth. What you do with those feelings, however, makes the difference. Why do you want to quit? Have you asked God to help you become a better spouse? Are you willing to forgive your spouse for any wrongs?

As much as many people say they want to quit their marriages, few do so. If you are in a place where you are considering calling it quits, explore all avenues before finally walking out, because once you leave, you can't go back to the way things were.

A friend of mine shared a little of her marriage experience with me, and I found that what she shared is relevant to today's discussion. Here is Maryanne's brief take on marriage.

"When John and I got married, I didn't know I had issues with rejection, from my relationship with my father and my ex-husband (she left him due to infidelity). Long before John and I wedded, John had started teaching me about the Word of God, and how to read it. After our wedding, we established a routine of praying and reading the word together daily, as we had agreed that our marriage would be founded on God's principles. As the challenges of marriage came along, the Word of God became my mirror and consultant. I turned to it regularly, on the good and bad days. John loved me, prayed for me and with me, and fed me spiritual food.

After I had our last child and went through post-partum depression, I was sure John would leave me. Instead, he would tell me that he loved me with all his heart and that he was not going anywhere. John regularly rebuked me for not believing in God and doubting his love for me. I needed to accept the love that God was showing me through my husband so that I could heal from all past hurts.

I am still God's work in progress, to be perfected in maybe 50 years' time, or when we go to heaven, but the Maryanne before John no longer exists. John's obedience to God's command to love me and nurture me has made me the woman that I am. Only a man submitted to God can love another the way my husband loves me. John is the priest of our home, and teaches both our children and me how to look into God's word for teaching and guidance."

Maryann and John's view of and approach to marriage are what many couples need to adopt today. God is the author of marriage, and he gives us the blueprint on how to succeed in the Bible. The following verse from Ephesians gives a fitting conclusion to this discussion.

Ephesians 5:22-25 "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." (NLT)

Missed last week's reflection? Check it out here Reality-check-a look-at-marriage-myths

Interested in another topic? Here you go - The-Christian-at-work